Braces to Bikini

Leave it to me to find a way to turn a liquid diet into a ten pound weight gain.

That’s what I was thinking as I literally inhaled the giant plate of fettuccine alfredo from Fazolis during lunch today. My inability to restrain myself and use anything approaching table manners stemmed from a chain reaction that started with the instructions, “don’t chew” from my orthodontist.

After having the spacers jammed in between my molars yesterday afternoon,  (in preparation for braces next week), I took her warning not to chew on my back teeth quite seriously. So seriously, in fact, that I put myself on a liquid diet. I started out right, with Wednesday’s dinner consisting of several Kentucky Ale. No need to feel sorry for me; Let’s face it, at that point, there was no actual suffering involved.

Things grew a little more disconcerting, however, when I woke up starving this morning and with a hangover that made my sore teeth seem like a walk in the park. (I may have chased my Kentucky Ale dinner with a bourbon & coke for dessert). Still determined not to chew on my back teeth, I placated myself with a Pumpkin Spice latte from Starbucks for breakfast. Those things seriously pack the calories, but someone forgot to inform my stomach, because a mere hour later I was so hungry I could have eaten my sweater. Of course, I would never do that, because then I would risk freezing to death in my office.

You might interject at this point (if you could get a word in edgewise), Why didn’t I just eat soft foods, like yogurt, applesauce, etc.?  Well, the truth is, we were in dire need of groceries at our house, and having not anticipated the “no chewing” instructions, I had not stocked up on anything except steak and frito chips. Hence, the liquid diet, until one of us could make a grocery run.

There was some discussion between John and I about whether I would lose weight from this whole experience with the braces, or somehow manage to gain weight. It’s not that John cares either way, but he often humors me with these ridiculous conversations. And he made a valid point about how my penchant for milkshakes could be my downfall.

But back to today: So there I am, starving, or as close to starving as a middle class woman in a first world can get, and I walk out of my office smack into the fragrant smells of someone’s reheated Fazolis meal. Suddenly, drinking a can of tomato soup for lunch just wasn’t going to cut it. Surely I could eat a plate of pasta without using my molars! I drove straight to Fazolis.

I even managed to get the bread sticks down. Hey, I do what I have to.

In light of how many calories I’ve managed to suck down during the last 24 hours, I’m thinking I may need to alter my “braces to bikini” plan just a bit. But I’ll keep you posted.


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4 responses to “Braces to Bikini

  1. Todd Crone

    Wow. I laughed out loud. I’m not ashamed as I also cried like a gir…sissy whilst reading “Julia’s Chocolates”. Of course, that was only because my wife and I agreed to read a book chosen by the other. She had to read “Old Man’s War” by John Scalzi. She enjoyed it but she still retained her womanhood after the event. My joy to tears to joy to tears experience probably robbed me of my last ounces of manliness.

    • LOL I can’t believe how many men read my blog. I’m glad I was able to make you laugh. Hey, the four of us need to hang out again soon! Are you still playing soccer? John has hung up his cleats, so to speak.

  2. Todd Crone

    I still play. Coaching my youngest team this Fall though and my wife is due (baby girl) in Jan-Feb so I’ll most likely wait til Spring to play again myself.