Harper County PTA

Some song lyrics for you to ponder:

I want to tell you all a story ’bout a Harper Valley widowed wife
Who had a teenage daughter who attended Harper Valley Junior High
Well her daughter came home one afternoon and didn’t even stop to play
She said, “Mom, I got a note here from the Harper Valley P.T.A.”

The note said, “Mrs. Johnson, you’re wearing your dresses way too high
It’s reported you’ve been drinking and a-runnin’ ’round with men and going wild
And we don’t believe you ought to be bringing up your little girl this way”
It was signed by the secretary, Harper Valley P.T.A.

Well, it happened that the P.T.A. was gonna meet that very afternoon
They were sure surprised when Mrs. Johnson wore her mini-skirt into the room
And as she walked up to the blackboard, I still recall the words she had to say
She said, “I’d like to address this meeting of the Harper Valley P.T.A.”

Well, there’s Bobby Taylor sittin’ there and seven times he’s asked me for a date
Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice whenever he’s away
And Mr. Baker, can you tell us why your secretary had to leave this town?
And shouldn’t widow Jones be told to keep her window shades all pulled completely down?

Well, Mr. Harper couldn’t be here ’cause he stayed too long at Kelly’s Bar again
And if you smell Shirley Thompson’s breath, you’ll find she’s had a little nip of gin
Then you have the nerve to tell me you think that as a mother I’m not fit
Well, this is just a little Peyton Place and you’re all Harper Valley hypocrites

No I wouldn’t put you on because it really did, it happened just this way
The day my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.
The day my Mama socked it to the Harper Valley P.T.A.

Okay, so my story is not as bad as all that. I mean, who wears a miniskirt to a PTA meeting? But I do have a PTA story:

The first thing I did this morning was ask Meg, one of my UK girls (that’s what I call my friends who work in my old office), how to go about procuring a sno-cone machine. I need the machine for Field Day at the kids’ elementary school because for some reason I am in charge of Field Day. 

Anyway, Meg responded in about 10 seconds with a link to Bryant’s rental. Because, you know, I was too lazy to just google that. But still it solved my problem and a phone call later, I am the proud renter of a sno-cone machine and supplies to serve 600 sno-cones to happy school children. 

But sno-cone success aside, I think the real question here is how I came to be in charge of anything on the PTA. See, wayyyy back in October I was at a PTA meeting and they passed around this sheet asking for committee chairs for all these different events. At the time I was working non-stop, days and sometimes even nights, so I reasoned that I would pick something way out in the Spring, when surely I would have nothing else to do.

ha ha ha ha (maniacal laughter, like the creepy cartoon kind)

Remember when I said it wasn’t as bad as all that? Well….

So the other night I went back to the PTA meeting for the first time since October. I re-introduced myself to the hard working parents who had been keeping that fine organization running all year and informed them that I was ready to start working on organizing Field Day. They tried not to laugh. 

“Oh?” says one nice lady, “The Field Day chair usually begins working on it in January.”

Okay, okay, insinuation that I have dropped the ball taken. But I do my best work at the last minute. Look at how much my clients love me, even if they are all biting their nails down to the eleventh hour wondering if I will actually get the ad done on time. 

Then the nice PTA people started telling me all the things I need to do for Field Day, and all the things they have already done for me, since I was (ahem) AWOL until just recently. When they told me I need to find a sno-cone machine, and that my entire Field Day budget is only $100 (most of which is needed for other items), I couldn’t stop myself: in front of the entire room of parents I blurted out, “So who do I have to sleep with to get this Sno-cone machine?”

It probably wasn’t the most appropriate thing to say at a PTA meeting. I’m aware of this because only one person laughed. The rest of them just sort of stared at me blankly and then moved on to the next item on the agenda. Most likely they think I have some sort of disorder where I can’t filter information from brain to mouth.

And they’d be right about that. 





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